Question.

are you happy?

is it worth it?




...

blinded

last night i cried
not because i was bleeding
but because i was broken

i've lived a full life
at least 19 years so far
but i've got a long ways to go


a lot more mistakes
a lot more victories
a lot more memories,

last night i cried.
because i miss people.
i long for them to be back

i miss my Grandma
i miss Kaylie Jean
i miss being with my brothers
i miss Rom and Ev and Corey
i miss Dan
i miss Vocal Point
i missed out on a lot of things
but, i don't regret

i couldn't see most of the time
i always wanted to do do do
when i needed to think think think

now i'm here crying still
wishing to do it right
to try it again
to see if i can't win
but then again

they've all moved on
i'm here,
waiting
missing

my tears block out words
and thoughts and light

i'm blinded and i'm sorry i didn't do it all right.



but life isn't about where you've been!!!!
it's about where you're going!!!
my direction now is straight
it is simple
yet next to impossible
that is why i am on this road now
because the past is what we use to better

the future

fate hope dreams inspiration
words thoughts beings aspirations
these are what life is about

joy laughter looks glances
moments times touches
this is what life is about

'was blind but now i see'

empty as a drum

i love music, and drums, now i get how it feels to be that empty space being continually beat upon to be a part of something better than itself.

the drums are the heart of a band.

i'm not sure if i have a point to this story because i'm still trying to find one myself. but i guess being empty can still be a good thing. right?


devastating blows to the top of the drum
make music outside creating conundrum
but no one sees the inside of the drum
where the heart loudly cries for someone to come
the musics to loud
empty is the drum
the drum is heart
the music is what makes it beat
can anyone see?


empty as a drum. except my nose is full of snot.

i'm left waiting

there are no ordinary moments
everything has it's reason and rhyme
thoughts are what incubate our dreams
i'll wait for those dreams

there are no ordinary moments
every person has their place
finding where your puzzle piece fits;
to discover this, i'll wait

there are no ordinary moments
every movement holds a treasure
buried deep or shallow we still all hunt
buried treasure? i can wait

there are no ordinary moments
a glance can mean a thousand things
love, hope, fear, or questions

i don't want to wait anymore


i want to be out in the field
want to become much better
all i can do for now is kneel
to free me from these fetters
i want to serve and grow and learn
receive and write some letters
but i will wait
i want to find someone to love
to hold and cherish tender
want to become a hero to
my children more than ever
i want something that i can't have
a world that i can't love
but she'll be here when i get back
this love i'll love forever
i can wait for that
i want to be more than myself
beyond what man can handle
to build a scope of breathing life
where only one can hold a candle
to travel at the speed of thought
much faster than us mammals
this i will wait for too


see there are no ordinary moments
though some may still contend
still there are no ordinary moments
we share with family and friends
there are no ordinary moments
none
noda
zip



for these moments i will wait for you
whomever you may be
i'll wait through wind and hail and rain
just you wait and see
i'll become that best that i can be
so maybe you'll agree
when i kneel down and ask you this,
'will you marry me?' :)
for this moment i'll endure
all hellish situations
of loves refrain and much more pain
i'll somehow wait

to share and to create

these not so ordinary moments

*with my eternal mate
that we'll leave up to fate
o, they will be great
i will somehow wait

*these are four alternate endings. :) you choose which one you think fits best i guess.

love love!

playlist

Let me preface this by saying that music is a big indicator of my mood, and it really affects how I feel.


k, so i was driving today i noticed that all the songs that were coming on fit my mood exactly and then dictated how I felt. . .if that makes sense. Anyways it was so profound to how i'm feeling right now that I wrote all of them down. This is on shuffle out of 3467 songs:

Stardust - Michael Buble......i kinda cheated on this one cuz i picked it but it set the tone if you will. ha!
Sunshine = Love - Eric Sackett
What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts
Someday - John Legend
It Had to Be You - Frank Sinatra
A Kiss to Build A Dream On - Louis Armstrong
I'd Give You the Moon - Jake Coco
Call Me Irresponsible - Michael Buble
Sweetest Goodbye - Maroon Five
My Life - Billy Joel
Lost - Michael Buble
Tell Her About It - Billy Joel
Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon Five
Nothing Lasts Forever - Maroon Five
He Don't Love You Like I Love You - Daniel Beddingfield
Color Spectrum Song - Disney


anyways, i thought it was very poignant and melancholy, but also cheerful and nostalgic (ps i would have never known that word if it hadn't been for kaylie hancock and brooke beecher thanks girls :)) it was just super uper crazy and totally legit, somewhat ridiculous how close it was to how i currently feel. wow. well hugz and kisses world can't wait to see what comes next.

ps i truly love music and cannot wait to record my CD next week woot woot! :)

tuesday

Just a peek at Neverland. This is where I go when I'm lost and alone. No one has to grow up here, it's Neverland.

o tuesday...

'might'

might |MAHYT|

1 past of MAY
- in reported speech, expressing possibility or permission: he said he might be late.
- expressing a possibility based on a condition not fulfilled: we might have won if we'd played better.
- expressing annoyance about something someone has done: you might have told me!
- expressing purpose: he avoided social work engagements so that he might work.
2 used in questions and requests
- tentatively asking permission: might I ask one question?
- expressing a polite request: you might just call me Jane, if you don't mind.
- asking for information esp. condescendingly: and who might you be?
3 expressing possibility: this might be true.
- making a suggestion: you might try nonprescription pain relievers.

PHRASES
might as well 1 used to make an unenthusiastic suggestion: I might as well begin. 2 used to indicate that a situation is the same as if the hypothetical thing stated were true: for readers seeking illumination, this book might as well have been written in Serbo-Croatian
might have known (or guessed) used to express ones lack of surprise about something: I might have known it was you.

1	physical strength: He swung with all his might.

2 superior power or strength; force: the theory that might makes right.

3

power or ability to do or accomplish; capacity: the might of the ballot box.

- D&C 1:18-39 -


Things that are planned might happen, they might not, it all depends on what and how we choose to live. Somethings might happen today, tomorrow, or never, but things will happen. You might not win a million dollars today or save the world from grief and heartache, but you might be able to help one person feel like a million dollars and save them from their world of grief and heartache. You might be struck by lighting and die today, and be scared half to death, and maybe your homework really will kill you, but those things just might happen. What do you want to MAKE happen today?

Do it.



i wrote a new song, today, horray!

Standby

WOW! After 15 hours of trains, planes, and automobiles I finally made it home.

Friday 10:00:
We, being my family and friend Kevin, woke up today saddened by the fact that our amazing wonderful adventurous cruise had come to an end. After exiting the ship we headed to our shuttle and waited for 30 min before heading to the airport to check in. My Dad, Mom, and brother Scott got on their flights that they had purchased earlier, but Kevin, Mike, Cheltz, and I were flying standby, and this is where our adventure begins.
Friday 11:30:
Made it through security fine, got to our gate to wait. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 2:30. After sitting for about an hour we found out that all the seats were taken and that we were not going to get out of Miami anytime today. So, we we told our best bet would be to get to South Palm Beach by taking the '40' min train. We walked across the airport to catch the bus that would take us to the train, then got our tickets and barely settled in before we left the station. The ride ended up being and HOUR and '40' min, a little longer than we wanted, especially because the flight we were trying to get on left at 2:40.
Friday 2:30:
Yeah, we missed our flight and the bus to take us to the airport. We waited and waited finally arriving at the airport to get on our flight at 5:15. Luckily there were enough seats to accommodate all of us. HORRAY right? Well, this flight was to Charlotte, NC. Awesome.
Friday 6:36:
Landed in NC and figured out where and when our next flight would leave. 8:05 - Delayed. We were the last four to get on. The flight left an hour late so we flew in to Phoenix at around 10:30 (there was a three hour time change but it was a 5 hour flight). So we drove to and stayed at my sister-in-laws house that night after a delightful relaxing hot tub sitting.
Saturday 10:00
Good sleep, ate breakfast, showered, packed up, drove to the airport, checked in, got through security, got to our gate, waited, boarded at 1:40, landed in SLC at 4:00, drove home, ate, now I'm sitting on my couch, in my home.


I'm tired.


don't fly standby.

another day

I woke up, late.
Drove down to Provo.
Was tutored by Katie. (Thank you Katie)
Studied @ the Enclave room #304, Kendra thought I was Katie.
Went to class at 12:43, BOM.
Learned, or more listened to Isaiah and the 2 Nephi Chapters.
Departed class, obtained The Daily Planet, failed Sudoku while walking back to my car.
Drove to Burger King, Wopper Jr., Fries, and a Side Salad.
Parked and sang sappy love songs as I devoured my food.
Sped to the Holcombe's to sing and play piano for the Grandparents, HIGHLIGHT!
Cruised home to be to work by 4.
Sang and improved with the kids I teach.
6 o'clock came, class was over, parking lot duty.
Headed over to a 'Birthday Party' at the park, 3 people showed up.
Dropped the party people off at their destinations.
Went home, argued with my parents over whether or not I should do a show.
Met up with Julie and Wes, reminisced.
Auditioned, did well.
Saw Janessa Lamb.
Wearily drove home to an angry household. No flights. No money.
My amazing mother put together the 'show' Scott and I are singing tomorrow.
Practiced.
Sat down on the couch.
Cried.
Wrote a blog.

Predicted future:

Mosey on downstairs.
Brush my teeth.
Say my prayers.
Try to sleep.
Text.
Fall asleep.
.
.
.
.

Start all over again.

'The Best Is Yet To Be'

I would like to preface this note by thanking my dear friends Claire and Kendra for inspiring me to write my thought about conference. Thank you dear friends, glad to hear you're doing well. :)

Jesus will make everything alright, that was possibly my favorite thing that was said in this last Conference. Elder Anderson was the 4th person to speak on Saturday morning and he told a story of a little girl who was born deaf and as she grew up her parents taught her how to speak. It was a grueling process that at times seemed impossible, but eventually she started to learn and was able to put sentences together. One day while Emma (I think this was her name) and her Mother were waiting for the cashier to ring them up at the grocery store, the little girl noticed a boy behind them that was in a wheelchair and didn't have any legs, although Emma had learned to speak, she couldn't control the volume of her voice and asked her Mother, "why doesn't that boy have any legs?" Her Mother gently replied that that is the way God made him. She turned to the little boy and stated, "When I was born I couldn't speak, when you were born God made you without any legs, but that's what makes you special. Don't worry, Jesus will make everything alright."

These impactful words touch my heart and gave me peace in the reality and assurance that Jesus will make everything alright. These past couple months have been really tough for me. Although I have a plethora (yes I totally used that word) of friends, I've felt really alone and distraught, almost depressed. Conference brought back that much needed confidence that I have been lacking as of late. "Faith is not a feeling, it is a decision" (Elder Anderson Oct 2008 GC) I was waiting for this big event happen in my life. Waiting for someone to come pick me up, or to tell me what to do, waiting for that feeling of knowing the choice you are making is the right one to be making. But, it doesn't work like that, we have to decide and God will let us know if it's right, eventually, because "Faith and fear cannot co-exist in the heart at the same time" (Elder Anderson Oct 2008 GC)

"Faith is one leg of a three legged stool of Faith, Hope, and Charity. We must find the balance...Despair is used to suffocate darkness. It kills ambition, and deadens the heart while hope pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. What is hope? The hope of Israel, hope is not knowledge it is believing and expecting our prayers will be answered. With hope come joy and happiness and to have patience with our trials." (President Uchdorf Oct 2008 GC) WHAT INSPIRED MEN!!! What I love about General Conference is that you feel, at least I feel, like they are speaking directly to me. See that's what's so universal and awesome about the Spirit, one thing can be being said, but a thousand things can be taught! President Uchdorf also said, "Faith is a fundamental foundation we must build upon. Put faith and hope into action!" I think we are always being told what to do, it's just if we are listening or not.

I also loved the steadfast and immovable Elder Wirthlin and his joy filled talk of "Come What May and Love It". Laughter is the very best medicine. President Monson inspired us with his great words at the Priesthood session:
1- Learn what you can learn
2- Do what we should do
3- Be what we should be
It's really that simple. Another talk that was awe-inspiring was President Uchdorf's "Lift Where You Stand", I would urge you to read it Sisters and those Brothers that weren't able to make it.

Conference was just what I need to "lift up my head and be of good cheer" (3 Nephi 1:13) The Church of Jesus Christ is the only true and living church on the face of the earth today, and I'm a part of it! It is true! HE LIVES!

I will end with President Monson's words; "This is our one and only chance to live here and now. It helps us distinguish what is most important in the future. Find joy in the journey. There is no tomorrow to remember if we don't do anything today...childhood doesn't come back...make the most of today to provide pleasant future memories. Remember, 'they do not love that do not show their love'. Let us relish life as we live it!"

The best is yet to be. :)

nothing much

Today was a pretty blah day. It started out with me realizing I had fallen asleep, fully clothed and upside down still wearing what I had worn all day, and the light was on. UGH! Then I got up and did some house work and homework. Followed by a round of golf with my parents and grandpa up in Sandy, in which I did very poorly at, getting a 43 which is decent for not playing golf day in and day out but still a sad score for golf. Next I drove home eagerly awaiting the viewing of the BYU game which was so conveniently on KJAZZ, but remembering that I had a frisbee game that I wanted to play in. I proceeded to get ready for the game and at approximately 5:49, got in my newly purchased car, and just as I was turning the ignition I received a phone call informing me the game was canceled. Great day so far. So I went back inside to do that which I had previously designed to do, watch the annihilation of Utah State, but to my dismay, BYU did not provide the blowout that was expected. BYU took a commanding 27 point lead early but fought it's way to stay afloat as Utah State late in the game took it to the defense scoring the first points against the cougs in 11 quarters. The game ended in a 34-14 win for the Cougs, but it was a disappointing showing of what BYU can really do.

So now I'm studying, after a day of a lot of little and light disappointments.

*sigh*

And the day isn't even over. I still have two hours to see what other fun adventures are in store for me this lonely Friday night.

It's Friday night, and I'm at home writing a blog, postponing my study, eating kettle corn with my parents who are arguing over who should answer the phone.

*sigh*

yeah...

*sigh*

Picnic.

What a glorious day for a picnic, thought I.
So I went on one.
And this is what it was like...

Katie - 'O my gosh Kaylie, that was the dumbest joke ever.'

Kaylie - 'No way! It's hilarious! Come on guys! K let me tell you another one to redeem myself..' (she repeats this at least 7 times whilst Brooke just gives that look of 'people please, this is the most ridiculous joke ever, do not let her tell it')

Kendra - 'No Kaylie, in her ever so sweet voice, please tell me! I really want to hear it.'

Eric - 'This probably would be funny if I was tired' ... ps ... i wasn't

Kaylie then starts into her next joke, Brooke grumbles, Kendra applauds, Eric listens, and Katie tries to listen with an un-bias ear, for moments earlier Katie and Kaylie fought over how much they used to love each other and blah blah blah...

5 min later...

....and inside the clam', Kaylie recites, 'there was a doughnut.'

there is silence.

Then all at once the protests filled the air...

SO DUMB!!!
See I told you guys.
COME ON IT'S FUNNY!!!
It was alright.
Stupidest joke ever.
O my rash.
Seriously guys.

Moral of story. Do not let Kaylie Hancock tell you jokes unless you are tired.

Then we all just enjoyed each others company and laughed and took pictures and played football, it was really fun. Picnics are just glorious because there's no telling what may ensue! Thanks girls for going on a picnic with me today, it was just delectable. :) Let's do it again sometime.

Sidenote: that would be really cool if no one read this cuz then iwould really just be talking to my self. which is awesome. especially cuz it's not even out loud. it's all in my head. ahh...sigh...
nature is so beautiful! i'm glad i have great friends to share it with.

right now

Man, life is so hard. Question, have you ever felt so good about something or so uplifted by someone or so excited about life? Like one time there was this PC game that I wanted to purchase, I felt SO good about buying it. It was 20 dollars, and at the time it was the coolest thing in the world, but when I got home to play it, it lost it's savor very quickly. I felt good about getting it, I got it, and hated it. But have you ever felt good about something and had to get rid of it or leave it in the 'dreams' section of your mind? And it just makes you sad that you ever had to lose it? That's hard. You can have a million people tell you it will be alright and that everything will work out, but it's still so hard.

I know it all will work out and that everything happens for a reason and that our voyage through life needs storms and waves so we can learn how to steer our vessel, but isn't it nice to have anchors along the way? Doesn't it seem like when you feel you're ready to leave the harbor, and you get out on the vast ocean that the your universe sometimes crumbles? Well I did.

So I'm writing it down. So it no longer gets to fester inside my head.

Did you know that a plane is never headed in the right direction, but always lands at it's predetermined destination? The pilot has to make constant changes and course corrections in order for the aircraft to arrive where it has designed to go.

hmm.

Right now I'm studying in the Library, but right now my mind is flying away to a happier place and a happier time.

But no one can stay there too long, we all have to grow up someday right?
I say no.
But so many say yes.
So for now I will be grown up and face my storms.


right now, life is hard

just once.

being born

growing up

passing on

everything else can happen again.

what will you choose to repeat?


Life is something that everyone should try at least once.
Henry J. Tillman

:)